Reprinted Without Permission

I promised myself I would post something at least once a month to keep my (handful of) fan(s) entertained, but this is all I could come up with. I've been going through a serious slump lately, and when I'm not fighting off this funk (and not the George Clinton and the Parliament Funkadelic kind), I'm frittering away perfectly good hours watching American Idol or staring into the refrigerator or drinking red wine until my teeth turn purple (which doesn't take long) or making lists of things I need to be doing, or any combination of the above. What I should be doing, of course, is researching for the long-awaited year-end supplement to my 2009 celebrity-death-trio post, but that will take some time that frankly, what with all the refrigerator-gazing, I just don't have.

Speaking of wasted time, I still have a good bit of remorse for losing 15 or more minutes of my life watching Tiger Woods' well-rehearsed and insincere apology speech. Of course he's sorry. Sorry he got caught with too many irons in the fire, so to speak. Sorry for being so stupid and sloppy. Sorry for the millions of dollars he's lost. So he used several willing women as human blow-up dolls. Cut him some slack, people. No one can believe he would do that to his hot wife. His situation just goes to prove that no matter how hot a woman is, there's some guy who is sick of her shit. She may have had her own stable of Sanchos, for all we know. Then again, she probably had very little to do with it. Selfishness is easy. Weakness is human. The id loves to swim in sin. A happy ego masks frailty. And power corrupts. Sex addiction? Duh. He's a dude. Doesn't make what he did right; I'm just saying. That's my take on it. Oh, look at that. I just wasted another good 15 minutes on the topic.

I have been spending a little quality time working on my book every now and then, but not enough. I know that it's just an abject and quite rational fear of monumental worldwide success that's holding me back, so I need to get over it before I become old and ugly and won't be able to go on book tours because of my hideous decrepitude. My anonymous friend noted below (let's call him "Joe") was kind enough to warn me that my expiration date is dangerously close. (With friends like that, who needs friends?)

Anyway, on to the title track. My dear friend "Joe" sent this to me a couple of weeks ago, and it is just way too funny not to share. Sure, had I written it, it would be a lot more hilarious, but I was sufficiently impressed with his talent to broadcast it to my loyal reader(s) here. And in his defense, he did mention that had he intended for this to go public, he would have put more effort into the humor. I believe that. I know from personal harrowing experience with his merciless (yet highly entertaining) ridicule that he can do much better, and I have faith that he will next time.

A caveat here: For the sake of sparing the girl (let's call her "Christine") some lifelong embarrassment, I thoughtfully redacted her unflattering photo. I also deleted it to protect my readers from being involuntarily subjected to said image. Plus, I prefer to post only the most aesthetically-pleasing images here, such as the dead armadillo and the CAT-a-pult I included in my tribute to my friend Heather a few months ago.

I was also kind enough to delete the names of "Christine's" hometown and high school, for obvious reasons (to protect their reputations, if any).

So here it is, now that you're on the edge(s) of your seat(s).

----- Forwarded Message ----
From: Joe
To: Jill
Sent: Wed, February 17, 2010 1:02:02 PM
Subject: completely real exchange with potential babysitter who responded to my Craigslist ad

My Original Craigslist Ad:

We have 3 children, aged 7, 4, and 1. We are looking for someone with their own transportation who can babysit regularly one night each weekend and hopefully travel with us as well (we are looking to go to Florida for a week in late March and potentially a few weeks in France and maybe another in the OBX this summer). The ideal person would be a local college or grad student with a flexible schedule.

Please, we are only interested in native-English speakers who are U.S. citizens.

We pay $20/hour for weekend babysitting. For the trips, we generally work it out on a case by case basis.

Our kids are pains in the neck, but we have grown quite attached to them anyway. So we are hoping you have references or you have local ties or something like that, and we also hope you actually like children and would enjoy playing with ours.

If you are interested, please send us an e-mail with any information you think is relevant.

Thank you!
________________________________________
From: Christine
Sent: Monday, February 15, 2010 2:18 PM
To: Joe
Subject: Nanny needed to travel

Is this really a family?

Why would you write that your kids are pains in the neck?

Just curious

Christine
______________________________________
From: Joe
To: Christine
Sent: Mon, February 15, 2010 2:40:43 PM
Subject: RE: Nanny needed to travel

Wait until you have 2 or 3 kids later on in life, then revisit this question. I am guessing the answer will come to you fairly easily.
________________________________________
From: Christine
To: Joe
Sent: Mon, February 15, 2010 3:10:15 PM
Subject: Re: Nanny needed to travel

Hello,

I am a nanny who is looking for work. I am also willing to travel with a family.

I didn't write it in a very long or kind way- so I apologize. I was trying to see if you were really a family. There are many ads that are not really families.
Also, since I have read many, many ads I have never seen a parent write this.

I am just pointing out to you- that as a nanny looking for work-
native english speakers might think you are not a real family and nannies who are not fluent in English will not know what you mean.

It is odd that you assume I have not had children.

Perhaps i was right, and this is not a family.
________________________________________

At this point I Googled her and found this info out about her:

Christine [Imagine a photo of a rather homely athletic girl here]
Hometown: [Deleted so as not to humiliate her hometown]
High School: [Deleted so as not to get any of her teachers fired]
Major: Engineering
________________________________________
From: Joe
To: Christine
Sent: Mon, February 15, 2010 3:32:45 PM
Subject: Re: Nanny needed to travel

We are definitely a family. No one else has questioned that. I'm not sure why it is puzzling to you. You sound like an engineer. Have you ever been told you lack social skills? Do you watch "The Big Bang Theory" and wonder why everyone laughs at what Sheldon says because he seems completely reasonable to you?

Parents make self-deprecating remarks regarding their children all the time--it doesn't mean they don't love their kids, it just means they don't feel the need to prove to everyone how much they love their children at every turn.

Clearly you don't appreciate the attempt at humor, but I guarantee your parents said worse about you (as mine did about me) when you were young. All kids are pains in the neck.
________________________________________
From: Christine
To: Joe
Sent: Mon, February 15, 2010 3:42:28 PM
Subject: Re: Nanny needed to travel

What a kind human being you are, really.

How would you know if you did not get responses?

If nannies ignore you.

Not to hard to figure that concept out.
________________________________________
From: Joe
To: Christine
Sent: Mon, February 15, 2010 4:17:31 PM
Subject: Re: Nanny needed to travel

Thank you for saying I am kind. I appreciate that.

As for the risk of being ignored by potential nannies, I will have to get back to you on that one because I have been responding to e-mails from applicants for about an hour but I still have about 25 e-mails from qualified nannies to respond to.

If you don't mind a bit of advice, I don't think you would want to nanny for someone who does not have a sense of humor about their children. People who cannot laugh at their own kids are people who probably will yell at you if you try to prevent their 2 year old from drawing on you with permanent markers because to do so would stifle their Perfect Little Snowflake's creativity.

Take care, and good luck finding a position that works for you.
________________________________________
From: Christine
To: Joe
Sent: Mon, February 15, 2010 4:37:43 PM
Subject: Re: Nanny needed to travel

i was being sarcastic.

your email was not kind.

You are judgemental, unprofessional and acting as if it was such a rare question to ask why you said your children were pain in the necks.
________________________________________
From: Joe
To: Christine
Sent: Tue, February 16, 2010 4:59:26 AM
Subject: Re: Nanny needed to travel

I was acting like it was a rare question because it IS a rare question--and that is not just my opinion, but it is a fact: 100s of people saw my ad and over 50 applied for the position but you are the only one to have asked that question.

You seem to be a bit "judgmental" yourself (I cleaned up your spelling--I know engineers can't spell). I realize that people need to be wary when dealing through Craigslist, but asking "are you even a family?" is kind of insulting and silly, don't you think? Do you really expect that a criminal or perv would answer that question honestly anyway? Should I be asking you if you are a cognitively disabled child abuser because of your poor spelling and obvious lack of social skills? Would you tell me if you were?

BTW you can't take a compliment back. You said I am kind and I am going to hold onto that and ignore anything negative you write. Thank you again for being so complimentary. It means a lot to me.
________________________________________
From: Christine
To: Joe
Sent: Tue, February 16, 2010 11:46:41 AM
Subject: Re: Nanny needed to travel

I am sharing your email with the nanny agencies I am involved with, and with the 32 email groups (in 4 states) that I am involved with relating to nannying.
________________________________________
From: Joe
To: Christine
Sent: Tue, February 16, 2010 4:38:27 PM
Subject: Re: Nanny needed to travel

That is very nice of you! I appreciate you recommending us to others even though we have never met. I assume it must be because of my kindness. Thank you!

***************************************************************

I trust you enjoyed this at least more than having to look at my incredibly lame and embarrassingly super-cheesy New Year's post (I maintain that I was still drunk when I wrote it) for the thousandth time as you go to your Favorites and cross your fingers and hope against hope that I have posted something new. If (any of) my reader(s) want(s) to offer some additional filler material for me to use during such dry spells, feel free to submit it for consideration. I won't pay you for it, as having your work on display here is reward enough. Bask in the glory, Joe.