Hallo-tween Whorrors

It's not even October 31, and I have already been terrified.

It takes a lot to shock me. On a scale of Amish to Pole Dancer, my imagination is Porn Star. In spite of my advanced education and professional ability, I struggle with the sense of humor of a 14-year-old boy. (I have also been told that I have the ass of a 14-year-old boy, but that’s another story.) I pride myself on being deftly able to cross the line between tacky and downright appalling. I was born without an internal censor chip. If a “so to speak” or “that’s what he/she said” opportunity arises, I’m on top of it, so to speak. I was born without the ability to bite my tongue, at least when given the chance to inject a good (or bad) joke or insult. I can make fighter pilots blush. I have been known to embarrass inanimate objects.

So I was not a little surprised when my visit to the local costume store found me in an angst-filled philosophical and emotional state the likes of which I have not experienced since the time I found myself drunk in a swimming pool, wearing Bubba-teeth, sitting on my husband's shoulders, cupping my wet wife-beater-clad tits, and competing in a chicken fight with my pastor. (I think I won, by the way.)

I have been a mother for almost 14 years. This means that my kids are now old enough to understand how immature I am. It also means that they have reached the ages at which they need their mother to provide a positive role model, guidance in proper social behavior, and clear instruction with regard to effective personal hygiene. I'm pretty good at reminding them to use deodorant and brush their teeth and cut their nails, but otherwise I suck at pretending to be a grown-up.

The other day at the costume store, in spite of myself and much to my dismay, I grew up a little bit. I took the kids there last year as well, and either it didn't register with me then, or something has changed drastically in the world of children's costumes. I blame the Chinese.

My daughter is 10 years old. She is about 4 foot 10 and weighs a good 100 pounds or so. Like her mother, she wears a women's size 8 shoe and a 36-inch bra. She is really too big to shop in the children's department, and when it comes to the juniors’ section, she may be big enough, but she's not necessarily old enough. She’s what they call a “tween.” She does not shave her legs yet, though she has tried. She certainly does not wear make-up yet. She has glasses and braces and a blissful, enviable lack of self-consciousness. She is not (nor is she supposed to be) sexy.

I assume most of these outfits are made in China. The sizes on the “tween” labels look like this: S/M (12-14), M/L (14/16). Keep in mind that the Chinese are generally very small people. A Chinese “Small/Medium” is equivalent to an American size 3T. (For those of you who have never dressed children, that's a toddler size.) A Chinese “Medium/Large” is equivalent to the size of an American supermodel. (Also known as a size zero, or perhaps a size 1 if she's premenstrual.) The sizes alone were not the problem. It was the fact that certain styles were actually made in such small sizes. Here are some examples from the tween collection: Devil Delight, Dark Angel, Falling Angel, Devil in da Hood, Mobsta Girl, Rebel Fairy, Punky Pirate, Gothic Witch, Convict Cutie, and Major Trouble. Cute names, right? Honestly, these could also be titles of the new releases on my adult pay-per-view channel. Here are a few pictures from the costume store’s website to help you understand what I'm going through. Bear in mind, these are labeled as “tween” costumes. Some of them also come in teen sizes, which, while also somewhat inappropriate, is at least understandable. I refuse to let my daughter dress like a tramp until she is old enough. I want my daughter to wait until college to become a slut. Just like I did. There's nothing better than the basic good girl/bad girl theme. Trick-or-treating tip #1: Bad girls get more candy.

Then there are the good old stand-by fairy-tale characters. I remember when Little Red Riding Hood was an innocent young girl.













Apparently, she has started her period.
How about Goldilocks? Yep, she's grown up juuussst riiight. Trick-or-treating tip #2: Dressing up as a little girl alone in the woods is always a good idea.


If your 10-year-old daughter doesn't want to go with one of the traditional themes, she has these adorable options. You may think there are no sex offenders living in your neighborhood, but that's all going to change after this Halloween. Trick-or-treating tip #3: Remember, it's "Trick or Treat" not "Turn a Trick."

Be sure your daughter gets a good bikini wax before wearing this costume. Oh wait ... she hasn't hit puberty yet. I am not kidding, people. This is labeled for "tweens."


Or perhaps you would like for your pre-teen daughter to show her support for the military. You don't have to ask for it, and she won't tell.
This one could not be found on their website. Lucky for you, I took a picture of it. Look at the label. This is a French maid costume. For tweens.

Trick-or-treating tip #4: Don't be surprised if you come home with a bag full of condoms and flavored massage oils.

As Katy and I searched for something she could wear without being arrested for public lewdness, Luke was on the other side of the store being mesmerized by the pornographic labels on the adult costumes. In the store's defense, they did have one warning sign posted near one of the most obscene.
















Speaking of bikini waxes, while the kids weren't looking, I took pictures of these two. Anita Waxin and her favorite gynecologist, Dr. Seymour Bush.
Seeing as how Luke became a man in the store that day, I thought it would be fitting to dress him in this "Supa Mac Daddy" pimp suit. But they didn't have one big enough for him.

At the end of our educational field trip, we got Katy a standard adult-size full-length witch costume. Because of course Halloween for a kid is not about being sexy. For children, Halloween is really all about the joyous laughter and lighthearted fun they can find in the occult and paganism and witchcraft and communicating with evil spirits. And oh yeah, the candy.