Clearing and Rearing my Head

WARNING: This is the most random assortment of useless information I have fed you in a long time. So, bon appétit!

I've had one of those weeks where I work a lot but still get nothing done. I'm glad tomorrow is Saturday so I won't feel quite as guilty about getting nothing done. So I'm topping off my do-nothing week with a glass of wine and this damn computer that I've been staring at all week long. I find myself more comfortable here in the office, seeing as how my kids have some friends over and they have all taken over the kitchen, living room, and especially the TV. God forbid they stay in the movie room and play the quiet game. Speaking of God…

Jesus H. Christ

A couple of weeks ago, I saw another story on the news about one of those apparently naturally-occurring phenomena where the image of Jesus or the Virgin Mary appears in a most unlikely place. Here in San Antonio, about once a week we get a local news story about Mary appearing in, e.g., a tortilla, a quesadilla, a grilled cheese sandwich, or some driveway oil stains. This time, the national news showed us the face of Jesus discovered on a moth. First, no one really knows what Jesus looked like. So really, the image on that moth could have been that of the bearded white hippie dude who modeled for all the pictures we are so familiar with. When I saw the face on that moth, I thought it could just as easily be the face of the devil. He has a goatee, right? Just before the moth story, I remember seeing something about someone finding Jesus on a cross-shaped Cheeto. Do these stories really make the news because of the alleged Jesus sightings, or is it more about pointing out the depths of stupidity hidden in so many pockets of future Darwin victims all across this fruited plain?

I think I saw Jesus in my dryer's lint screen one time. I probably could have sold it on eBay, but I was afraid it would get damaged in shipping, and how do you insure something so priceless? So I hand-delivered it to a local Catholic church in exchange for a few dispensations. What if it really was Jesus trying to send me a message? Like maybe I need to engage my good/bad filter, or maybe I need to shed some unnecessary "fuzz" from my life. Or maybe he was just trying to tell me that I should clean that thing out more often. Speaking of eBay…

Sometimes when I'm feeling really down on myself, I'll go look at the feedback people have left me. A while back, I got this one: "This eBay Superstar may be proof that the Second Coming has already happened!!!" Now that right there is some high praise.

Confession:

I didn't learn to tell time until they came out with a digital clocks.

Something I hope will soon to be a new feature here:

Funny lines found in veterans' medical records. For example, one guy sported a "narcissistic moustache" and another "cheerfully admitted to excessive smoking."

And don't miss the new "Katy's Quotes" feature:

She saw a little food sample tray at the grocery store and looked at the sign next to it. "Ewww, Mom, that says, 'use tongues to pick up food.'" I had to explain the difference between tongues and tongs.

"When I was little, I thought phone calls went through the wires, but now I know they go through satellites."

Katy cries when she hears the Blue Bell ice cream commercials that say, "Blue Bell tastes just like the good old days," because, she says, it reminds her of when she was a kid. She doesn't realize she's only 8.

A few School of Rock additions:

Is it okay for the kids to sing along to Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar on Me? How can anyone not sing along to that?

Has anyone noticed the three-word band-name thing lately? Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Plain White T's, Fall Out Boy, Gym Class Heroes, All-American Rejects, Boys Like Girls, My Morning Jacket. I think Stone Temple Pilots, 3 Doors Down, and Third Eye Blind were ahead of their time.

Proposals for the anthem list: Cheap Trick's I Want You to Want Me, Mellencamp's Jack and Diane (or did I already add that one?), Bon Jovi's Livin' on a Prayer, Prince's Purple Rain (sorry, I think he's underrated), and Bob Seger's Turn the Page.

I still need anthems from Frampton, The Who, and The Eagles, but I haven't put any thought into what they should be. Help me out folks, this is urgent business.

Things I love about hotels:

That bleach/mildew smell on the towels and wondering if they ever wash that blanket that's between the bedspread and sheets. You know, the blanket everyone sits on when they pull the dirty bedspread back? I usually don't think much about what could be on the remote or the phone or in the coffee maker. If I did, I wouldn't have room in my head to enjoy the fact that I'm in a hotel, which usually means I'm on some sort of vacation or a least a break from reality. I can put up with a lot of nastiness. I'm a flea market shopper for Christ's sake. I stayed in tons of skanky youth hostels in Europe. I don't mind getting dirty. BUT, if I find an unidentifiable pube in my hotel bathroom, you can bet I'll be calling the front desk.

The Darndest Things

My 3-year-old nephew told me and my mom, "I was going to say fucking hell, but I didn't." We kept asking him, "What did you say???" And he kept repeating it, with a straight face, in his sweet soft little toddler voice. I swear, the Q & A went back and forth a good 7 or 8 times. We realized that indeed that was what he was saying. What do you do with that?

That reminded me of a time the son of a friend of mine (I think he was 6 then) got in trouble for saying something like "butthole." His mom put Tabasco on his tongue and made him stand in the corner. His response from that corner, "I guess I can't say shit either."

Leftovers

I think BFE is my generation's common parlance for "far away." The E is for Egypt. Didn't this come from an Eddie Murphy movie? When I tell someone that we had to park way out in BFE, and they don't know what I mean, depending upon whom I'm talking to, I either feel young or old. Usually old. (Or have I just been smoking crack and BFE is my own little expression?)

Last time we were in Hico, Katy got this heinous candy marshmallow burger. Its label touted it as fat-free, cholesterol-free, and low-sodium. It was called Giant All-American Fun Burger. Get this: Calories--343, Carbs--81g, of that, 59g sugar, Ingredients—sugar, glucose syrup, gelatin, artificial flavors, yellow #5, yellow #6, red #4, and blue #1. And the best part of all: Made in China. It just doesn't get any more All-American than that.

I'm done purging for now. I hope this was a nice binge for you.