No Time for a Nervous Breakdown

Ever have one of those days when you have a plan and everything turns to (crap) and gets out of your control? Then the (crap) hits the oscillating fan? The days that you feel pulled in 73 different directions, and you only want to go back to bed until you desperately need to pee? Juggling candles that are burning at both ends? Too much on your plate and no dog under the table willing to eat it? Driving with no steering wheel? In reverse? Well, I feel like I've had one of those months. Maybe I should have consulted an astrologist to help me plan a Thelma and Louise escape.

No single thing has been daunting on its own. It's just the cumulative effect. Overwhelmed, exhausted, spent. You get weaker the more you need to get strong.

All this venting to say, blogging became pretty low on my totem pole of doom. I was forced to put it on the back burner while I slammed my forehead on the front burner.

I can usually go with the flow even though I abhor roller coasters. But not lately. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's my meds or lack thereof. Maybe it's my midlife crisis. There must be something to blame it on.

Anyway, enough about my inability to control my reactions to life happening. Enough about my being acted upon. No more Poor Me. My character is building.

Now for some quick snippets I've collected even during my inexcusable and unexpected hiatus:

Katy's Quotes

Katy: "Mom, it's National Night Out. Can we go camping?"

Mike and I were drinking a bottle of wine, as we are wont (and want) to do. Katy says: "Ewwww, Mom! This wine is from 2006! Shouldn't it be rotten by now?" Reminded me of Steve Martin in the Jerk, "No more 1966. Let's splurge! Bring us some fresh wine! The freshest you've got - this year! No more of this old stuff."

Some Good Ones From Luke

Katy: "Mom, you can really work magic with the computer."
Luke: "And sometimes with the microwave."

I didn't know whether the dog was in the house or outside. (He tends to hide.) I knew I had let Buzz out, but honestly couldn't remember whether I let him back in. (Such activity being one of those automatic things that don't always register, kind of like when I put on deodorant or take my medicine.) I asked the kids if Buzz was in the house or not. They thought I asked if they knew whether he was in or out. They said "No." So, I open the back door and call outside for Buzz. Buzz comes running from one of his hideouts in the house. I say to the kids, "Thanks, you made me look like an idiot to the dog." Luke says, "Buzz already knew you were."

This is Me

When I look at wet clothes in the washing machine and see something pink, I hope it started out that way.

I got all excited when I found a $5 bill in the dryer, then I realized it was mine to begin with.

Does putting a fake tree by a window make it look more real?

I got a plastic silver-colored pirate sword for Katy's slutty pirate-wench Halloween costume. The Dollar-Store tag on it describes it as "Chrome Sword." Wow, chrome.

I got an email with a subject line that said, "RE: {SPAM} REPLY URGENTLY." Those Nigerians were kind enough to tell me right off that it was spam. That was nice.

I told my sister, "For some reason, I'm afraid I have breast cancer. Like God is sending me a message to get a mammogram." She responded, "Jill…this may be because it's breast cancer awareness month." Oh….

A Few Of My Favorite Quotes

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy things that make you happy."

"There are no stupid questions, just stupid people who ask questions."

One I need to keep in mind and apply much more often: "It's better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt."

I like to think I made this one up while discussing my communication problems with an unnamed person: "We're not on the same page. In fact, we're not even in the same library."

A Few Words For You

Some old-person words/phrases that irritate me: gussied-up, Jim-Dandy (a contribution from Mike), Hot-Diggity-Dog (from Katy), and Cooter Brown (who, apparently was some famous old drunkard). Another is a word I have mentioned before, but it took on a most bothersome significance during the last debate: John McCain said cockamamie. Sure, what he was referring to (Biden suggesting dividing up Iraq) might have been a whack idea, but come on, cockamie??

Extras

I'll rant later about the obscene amount of money drug companies must spend on advertising, but I just need to mention this one. In the restroom at my doctor's office, the soap dispenser is provided by Cymbalta. (The "Where does depression hurt?" drug.) After I washed my hands, I told the receptionist that I liked that soap because not only were my hands clean, they were less painful and less depressed.

I was looking at a Party City catalog for "Spooktacular" (what a trite seasonal word, along with "Howl-O-Ween") costumes and I ran across this: A pimp costume called "Big Daddy" on sale for $17.49. The model is a white guy. Right next to it is a black guy modeling the full retail priced $49.99 "Super Mac Daddy" costume. Which pimp do you think will get more poon on Halloween night?

Luke has been enduring the humiliating torment of selling Boy Scout popcorn, so we have a garage full of boxes of it. The boxes are printed "FRAGILE" and list care instructions such as, keep from water, heat, etc. That's fine, but one of the notes I found funny. Even though it already says "FRAGILE," the instruction list reminds you: "DO NOT HANDLE PRODUCT IN A ROUGH MANNER." Don't rough up the popcorn, folks. Keep that in mind.

That's all for now. Who knew that blogging was all I needed to pull me off the ledge? I'm off for a girls' weekend tomorrow, so that should seal the deal on keeping me sane. At least until the stars line up against me again.

A Quickie

Due to popular demand, and in an effort to cling to all three of my diehard fans, I submit this lame offering.

More Quotes From Katy

Today, after church I asked the kids where they wanted to go for lunch. Katy suggested McDonald's. I said, "No, I don't want any unhealthy fast food." Her response? "Then how about Jack-in-the-Box?" So we went to Chili's.

At lunch, we were watching a football game. She said, "Our bus driver doesn't like it when we wear Dallas Cowboys shirts, because he's a Washington Rednecks fan."

From The Is It Just Me? Department

After lunch, we went to Target. Katy told me she was outgrowing her underwear, so I had her select a couple of packages of panties. When I unwrapped them to put them in the laundry, I was confronted with one pair that said "Absolutely Purrrfect" under an adorable silkscreened photograph of a kitten. Another pair depicts a cartoon monkey eating a lollipop and saying, simply, "Yummy!" Do pedophiles make these panties or do I just have a sick mind?

Great Show

Last night we took the kids to a concert at the Verizon Amphitheater. We went to see Switchfoot and Third Day, without much care to see the opening acts (Jars of Clay--which I don't much like, and some dude named Robert Randolph). Well, they bring out Robert Randolph later in the show and we realize who he is. The most amazing pedal steel guitarist ever. Dave Matthews and Eric Clapton appear on his latest album. In fact, Clapton pretty much discovered him and then took him on tour. Here he is with Rob Thomas on VH-1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kORLhZ7XO-Y&feature=related (Sorry, I still can't figure out how to do hypertext links in here, so you have to cut and paste if you're even interested.) So this is who we get to see with Switchfoot and Third Day. Awesome.

The Agony of Aging

While we're at the concert, I go to one of the many overpriced concession stands. The 55-ish guy at the register is giving me my change. He counts it out: "five, six, seven, eight..." Then he goes, "Schlemiel, shlimazel, hasenpfeffer incorporated..." I laughed as I had not heard that song since I was like ten years old. The guy nods and goes, "Yeah, you know that song, don't you?" I smiled and sang back, "Give us any chance, we’ll take it. Give us any rule, we’ll break it..." Then we shared a good laugh like old folks do when they get all nostalgic. As I walked away, I jokingly thought, Asshole.

Random Questions

Why do so many people pronounce asterisk as asterick? Does it have anything to do with the reason that certain people mispronounce the word ask as aks?

I know I've brought this one up in the past, but it bears repeating: Do most people mispronounce sherbet as sherbert just because it's easier to say it that way, or do they really not know the difference?

Why is it okay for President Bush knowingly to mispronounce nuclear as nucular? I've noticed that Sarah Palin pronounces it that way, too. Probably because that was the way it was programmed when they made the microchip they implanted in the earpiece of her glasses.

Does anyone else care about these things? Or is it just me? Should this go under the Is It Just Me category?

There is one mispronunciation I heard recently that I love and will appropriate forthwith. Instead of anecdote, it was pronounced anticdote. I think that pronunciation might be more apt when the anecdote involves antics of some sort. I don't care for anecdotes without antics, ergo, I prefer anticdotes and will henceforth pronounce anecdote that way. Any dull anecdotes I hear will not be referred to as anticdotes, but rather, antidotes. As in: "That story was a real buzzkill, the ultimate party-mood antidote."

One More Thing

Since I brought her up, bless her heart, just let me say that if the Democrats came up with a potential VP who came across as such a pageant-contestant/android/cheerleader with a diaper bag full of more homespun, folksy (both verbal and facial) expressions than you can shake a hockey stick at, you can doggone betcha the Republicans would be having a field day. I love watching them coddle her and prop her up, knowing full well deep inside their guts that McCain could have and should have done better. Having said all this, at this point, I still remain undecided, ambivalent, apathetic, and disgusted with our choices, each for different reasons.

My time is up and I need to go watch the rest of the Dallas game with Mike. I hope he has a glass of wine waiting for me. And some nachos would be nice, too. I know, keep dreaming.