My Apologies to my Facebook Readers

Sorry folks, this is the only bone I can throw right now. I again realized that this blog's pulse/ox is rapidly dropping, so I thought I'd publish something here that was meant to go here a long time ago, but I treated my few Facebook "friends" to it instead while neglecting, you, my loyal and more diverse group of friends, fans, and freaks who return to this address or stumble upon it by sheer good fortune.

So here it is. Don't get your hopes up. It is indeed pure drivel. Yet exquisite, nevertheless:

TWENTY THINGS I WONDER ABOUT

1. Why do people say "literally" when they don't mean it? Don't they know what "literally" means? "He was so mad; he literally bit my head off." Oh really?

2. How can certain leg hairs escape my razor so many times that they grow up to an inch long before I notice them?

3. What is it about an elevator that causes people to avoid eye contact or conversation?

4. Who has the job of putting the one square of pork in the top of the pork 'n' beans can?

5. Why are some people so interested and upset to know that one consenting person's body part may be touching another consenting person's body part in private? And how many closeted gay people do they know and like?

6. Why do I wait for the gas pump to thank me before I go?

7. Why am I not someone else? Or am I?

8. Where did God come from? I just can't buy the "He was always there" answer. And as someone asked, why did he let a snake cause such grief?

9. How many Bed Bath & Beyond coupons are in my house and in my car? And why do I never bring one with me when I go there?

10. How many pairs of black shoes is it OK to have before it becomes a problem?

11. When I drive across a bridge, why am I always afraid that a little voice will tell me to drive off?

12. How and why do some moms home-school their children? Good for them, but I just can't even wrap my mind around it.

13. Why do I get constipated every time I go on vacation?

14. Will I ever understand daylight savings time? Do I need to?

15. Why do I buy stationery when I can never seem to write a thank you note?

16. Why does my cleaning lady always rearrange my nightstand and replace the novel I'm reading with my Bible?

17. Why do I sometimes have trouble distinguishing the dancers from the "stars"?

18. Why am I polite to telemarketers?

19. Why can I never find a pen when I need one? And why is my purse full of them when I don't?

20. Why does my snooze button give me nine minutes? Why not a more even number like 10? Why not 30? If I set the alarm for 5:30, I might get up at 5:40, but 5:39, no way. At 5:39, I tell myself, "one more minute" but then two minutes go by and it's 5:41 and I don't think I can stare at the clock until 5:45, so I go for another 9 minutes. Then it's 5:50 and I know I have to get up right then because otherwise, I'll snooze till 5:59 and start the cycle all over again. Should I discuss this with my psychiatrist?

If any of you can give me some answers (even to the rhetorical ones), feel free to share. I may reject your answers as hogwash, but I will still take them under consideration--or at least let you think I did.