Sorry folks, this is the only bone I can throw right now. I again realized that this blog's pulse/ox is rapidly dropping, so I thought I'd publish something here that was meant to go here a long time ago, but I treated my few Facebook "friends" to it instead while neglecting, you, my loyal and more diverse group of friends, fans, and freaks who return to this address or stumble upon it by sheer good fortune.
So here it is. Don't get your hopes up. It is indeed pure drivel. Yet exquisite, nevertheless:
TWENTY THINGS I WONDER ABOUT
1. Why do people say "literally" when they don't mean it? Don't they know what "literally" means? "He was so mad; he literally bit my head off." Oh really?
2. How can certain leg hairs escape my razor so many times that they grow up to an inch long before I notice them?
3. What is it about an elevator that causes people to avoid eye contact or conversation?
4. Who has the job of putting the one square of pork in the top of the pork 'n' beans can?
5. Why are some people so interested and upset to know that one consenting person's body part may be touching another consenting person's body part in private? And how many closeted gay people do they know and like?
6. Why do I wait for the gas pump to thank me before I go?
7. Why am I not someone else? Or am I?
8. Where did God come from? I just can't buy the "He was always there" answer. And as someone asked, why did he let a snake cause such grief?
9. How many Bed Bath & Beyond coupons are in my house and in my car? And why do I never bring one with me when I go there?
10. How many pairs of black shoes is it OK to have before it becomes a problem?
11. When I drive across a bridge, why am I always afraid that a little voice will tell me to drive off?
12. How and why do some moms home-school their children? Good for them, but I just can't even wrap my mind around it.
13. Why do I get constipated every time I go on vacation?
14. Will I ever understand daylight savings time? Do I need to?
15. Why do I buy stationery when I can never seem to write a thank you note?
16. Why does my cleaning lady always rearrange my nightstand and replace the novel I'm reading with my Bible?
17. Why do I sometimes have trouble distinguishing the dancers from the "stars"?
18. Why am I polite to telemarketers?
19. Why can I never find a pen when I need one? And why is my purse full of them when I don't?
20. Why does my snooze button give me nine minutes? Why not a more even number like 10? Why not 30? If I set the alarm for 5:30, I might get up at 5:40, but 5:39, no way. At 5:39, I tell myself, "one more minute" but then two minutes go by and it's 5:41 and I don't think I can stare at the clock until 5:45, so I go for another 9 minutes. Then it's 5:50 and I know I have to get up right then because otherwise, I'll snooze till 5:59 and start the cycle all over again. Should I discuss this with my psychiatrist?
If any of you can give me some answers (even to the rhetorical ones), feel free to share. I may reject your answers as hogwash, but I will still take them under consideration--or at least let you think I did.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
My Apologies to my Facebook Readers
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
hey! you should publish the comments from those of us who already took the time and effort to respond to this on your facebook page... especially mine, since they were so brilliant
While each and everyone of your thoughts and question gave me a good chuckle and or something to ponder, #4 was the one that got me thinking and pondering the most. My thought is: Do we really think that is a piece of pork fatback? Or would we just not really want to think about that at all.
OK, I’ll play.
1. Why do people say "literally" when they don't mean it? Don't they know what "literally"
means? "He was so mad; he literally bit my head off." Oh really?
A. For the same reason they say,
“I could care less.”
3. What is it about an elevator that causes people to avoid eye contact or conversation?
A. What, out on the street these people are all, “Hi, how are ya?” to strangers? It’s not the elevator causing the avoidance, it’s being in the elevator that makes us aware of the avoidance.
4. Who has the job of putting the one square of pork in the top of the pork 'n' beans can?
A. A friend of mine, who used to work at a Turtle Wax factory, and got so bored he started inserting notes in the Turtle Wax jars that said things like, “Help, I am being held hostage.” He's been demoted, obviously, since any notes he inserts into pork n beans would never be discovered. (Part of this answer is true.)
6. Why do I wait for the gas pump to thank me before I go?
A. It can be lonely being the mom of small children. Even if they are charming and funny.
10. How many pairs of black shoes is it OK to have before it becomes a problem?
A. there is no such number. Same with black pants or black t-shirts.
11. When I drive across a bridge, why am I always afraid that a little voice will tell me to drive
off?
A. For the same reason that when I go into stores filled with shelves of porcelain, crystal, etc., I
am convinced I will intentionally break a vase.
18. Why am I polite to telemarketers?
A. It’s the same gene that encourages you to be nice to
the VA even though they are messing big time with your clients. Literally.
Post a Comment