Chi-Wa-Wa's, Doxens, Dollar Store Steaks, and so much more

These little gems have been taking up valuable real estate in my head, so to ease overcrowding in the lobby for all the new garbage clamoring for a seat beyond the velvet ropes, I offer up the following in hopes that it will not only relieve some pressure for me, but also satisfy your ravenous hunger for more of my priceless crap (if only for a precious moment).

Here they are in the order that they fell out of my mind or out of my file folder full of scribbled scraps:

First, just for the record, to carry on with the celebrity-death-trio thing I started last month, let me say that my money is on Patrick Swayze to be one of the next three.

Now on to more pressing matters.

Katy choked on a sip of water, and as she coughed, Luke said, "Watch out, Katy, that water's got a bit of a kick to it."

Katy was leisurely washing her hands in a public restroom when we were in a hurry to leave. I said, "Come on, it's not like you're going to perform surgery." She looked at me with the backs of her hands raised toward me like a surgeon and said, in all seriousness, "You never know."

Tonight Mike and I overheard Katy and a friend talking about how much they miss their bus driver and that they hope he'll be driving their bus again this year. We thought "Oh how sweet…" Then we heard Katy say, "Yeah, he was nice except for all that foul language…" So I asked what she was talking about, but she didn't want to say the words. I said, "It can't be any worse than what y'all have heard your dad and his friends say." She said, "Right, but hello? he's a bus driver." So she told us that one day he had yelled at them to get their "S-H-I-T" out of the aisle after he pulled the bus over to get up and check on a kid who he thought had been hurt. Good for him, I say.

During some light chatter after a serious conversation with a potential client and another attorney I work with, I noticed in the client's file that he had played clarinet in the Army band. I told him that I was a really bad clarinet player in junior high. Then my associate said, "I was a tromboner." I had to turn my head as he said, "Er… trombonist?"

In San Antonio (and I'm sure a lot of other big cities full of under-educated and irresponsible people) too many animals are having unprotected sex. This leads to signs like this: "4-Sell: Brown Chi-Wa-Wa's" and "Free Doxen puppy's." I swear I saw these signs in two different parts of town within the past few months. I would have taken pictures of them, but that's just the sort of obscenity I can't abide. I'll have porn on my phone before I'll carry around misspelled and mispunctuated words.

Not long ago, I noticed a sign in the window of an Academy store that warned of a recall on a certain brand of athletic cup. I wondered what was defective about them and what happened to the unfortunate athlete who discovered it. Luke asked me what I was chuckling about, and when I told him…well, he didn't think it was all that funny.

A sign in the window of a local Dollar General store proudly announced a special sale on steaks. I'm sorry. Call me a snob, but I would think twice before buying "sale" steak at a dollar store. Now if it were for sale at regular price, I might consider it, but "On Special"? No way.

When Margaritaville came on the radio, I mindlessly told the kids, "I had the 45 of this." Both, in unison, asked, "What's a 45?"

When Katy opened an envelope of disposable camera pictures, I told her to be careful with the negatives. I knew before the words had left my mouth that I would hear her ask, "What are negatives?"

Ethics question: Is it wrong to secretly borrow from a kid's allowance money to cover a tooth fairy visit?

This is how sweet my daughter is: "If I grew up in the olden days and I had slaves, I would be nice to them. Sure, I'd make them do all my chores, but I'd be nice to them."

This is what a dork I am: I heard music as Mike and I were leaving a restaurant. I said, "Oh, they're playing my favorite song." Then I noticed that the song was getting louder and coming from my purse. Mike goes, "It's your phone, you idiot!"

Actual voicemail I got from a veteran: "Miss Jill, I really need your help with my VA claim…Long story short, ma'am, they just kinda shitted on me real good. Now you have a blessed day."

That last one is one of my favorites.

This is all I can toss at you for now. Working full time at a real job along with working out with a trainer three days a week has not only made me feel like I'm living someone else's life, but it has also sucked out a lot of my blogging time. Sure, I still find time for facebook, but only because I don't have to think when I go there. As you can see from this latest oeuvre, I put a lot of thought into it.