Why Does Everything Always Happen to Me?

This is a text exchange I had with my sister yesterday. (Almost verbatim, with irrelevant or incriminating comments redacted.) We like to act like we have it so hard. Some people don't get our sense of humor. I pity those fools.


Me: Been tryin to write all day but laundry n correspondence n shit keep interfering. It sux!! Jst now gonna start writing n I bet mike will ask me to go get grocs. Ugh. Why does everything always happen to me?

My Sister: No kidding! Lily keeps barking, she wants back in the house but I’m on the couch watching BRAVO channel, stuff like this always happens to ME. I hate it I feel like I just wanna kill myself.

Me: Life is so not worth living under these conditions. Lol

My Sister: Ikr

Me: Its like a concentration camp over here. Esp when my phones fb app wont work right. Whats this world coming to?

My Sister: No kidding. I can totally relate to how the slaves felt.

Me: Lmao!! This exchange is postworthy.

My Sister: I feel like Nelson Mandela when he was jailed.

Me: I feel like anne frank.

Me: Or joan of arc

My Sister: Me too, only worse.

My Sister: Post burning.

Me: Zactly.

Me: I am in tears laughing rt now.

My Sister: Me too

My Sister: I’m even feeling like Jaycee Dugard. This house is such a mess

Me: Lmfao times ten. I feel like a jeffrey dahmer victim. All dead and cannibalized n buttfucked.

Me: Shoot me now.

My Sister: No kidding. I hate feeling this way. Just think how much harder it will b if Romney wins

Me: We will truly be enslaved and screwed then. Im going to put a plastic bag over my head now.

Me: And cinch it

Me: With a blingy belt

My Sister: Great idea. I think I’ll do the same. Only light a match at the end of it.

My Sister: I’m gonna go cut for a while

Me: Good call. And maybe drink some drano first. Gotta go tend to my family. Damn them.

My Sister: Damn them to hell.