The Seventh Annual Boring Mitchell Holiday Letter

Consider yourself lucky. Now that postage is 41 cents, some didn't make the cut. First, I'd like to apologize for insulting the late Anna Nicole Smith in my 2002 letter. But I stand by any disparaging remarks about young celebrities who don't spend enough time in jail or rehab, steroided athletes or those who dabble in dogfighting, Michael Jackson after he became white, or O.J. Simpson. In response to those who've threatened to boycott my annual accounting of our enviable lives, I call this a "Holiday" letter not due to any politically-correct fear of offending my many thin-skinned atheist, agnostic, Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim, Rastafarian, Wiccan, or (insert your specific/non-specific spiritual /non-spiritual affiliation/non-affiliation here) friends. "Holiday" simply includes New Year's Eve & Day with Christmas (or Kwanzaa, Festivus or whatever celebration you may or may not observe, unless you're a Satan worshipper in which case you can just go to hell). So don your gay apparel & relax. We survived 2007 without being poisoned by tainted peanut butter or contracting tuberculosis on an airplane & while contaminated pet food may have brain damaged our dog, the kids have yet to show signs of impairment from toxic Chinese toys.

Luke & Katy kept us well-entertained & adequately irritated all year. We're proud to announce that Katy has finally mastered armpit farting. Maybe that's why she told me, "I'm afraid of getting whiskers under my arms like you." Her year's highlight was the Hannah Montana concert. (Miley Cyrus better not get too trashy.) Luke & Katy ride the bus with some older kids, so in spite of our efforts, they're getting a good, old-fashioned public school education. I should've known they were growing up when I had to move their clothes to adult-size hangers. I suspected it when Luke said, "Once you're my age, you just don't care as much about stuff that glows in the dark." It was confirmed when I took Luke & 3 friends out for his 11th birthday & overheard him describe the entrance to the 5th grade class with cute girls in it the Doorway to Heaven. Katy's 2nd grade vernacular now includes the term vajayjay, & she wondered why "If no one's supposed to see your bra, why's it decorated?" Mike was pleased by Luke's disappointment that his Halloween gladiator costume came with a skirt. And while Katy dreaded her recent football cheering season, she insisted on trick-or-treating as a zombie-goth cheerleader. She looked far too comfortable in that getup, so Mike has limited her future costumes to pumpkin suits or burkhas. We take comfort in the fact that they enjoyed basketball, soccer, karate & scouts this year, & that Katy was thrilled to get the Poop-Scooper Barbie (complete with dog & turds that double as food, I kid you not) for her 8th birthday.

Unfortunately, the kids were "bored" for several unbearable minutes in mid-July & again momentarily one afternoon in late August. A rainy summer allowed only one trip each to Schlitterbahn & Fiesta Texas to share close personal space with sweaty, scantily-clad strangers. We went to a swimming party where I negligently allowed Luke to overeat. An upset stomach had him running to the public restroom where he yelled from the stall, "If it doesn't come out the front of me, it's comin' out the back!" (That'll teach him.) In August, the same day Luke got his braces off, Katy started her orthodontic adventure with an expensive, tricked-out neon-pink retainer. When she temporarily lost it, the potential replacement cost made this the Christmas that almost wasn't.

The kids continue to impress us with their expressive skills. Luke gave me a special Mother's Day gift he made at school. I opened the lovely, doilied-up card to see: "When you're angry you make me laugh." Luke's teacher asked what they knew about Samuel Adams & he offered, "Well, they named a beer after him." When I told Katy what "those cone-shaped Thanksgiving things" were, she responded, "Cornucopia? Sounds like a disease." One of my Costco trips led Luke to say, "We now have enough paper towels to survive the next big flood." In Mike's absence, I tried again to make pancakes. Luke said sweetly, "Even the burned parts are pretty good." Still in touch with her emotions, Katy informed me, "I'm feeling under-appreciated." I told her to get used to it. Mike gave Luke "The Talk" during some special father-son time on opening day of dove season. (In Texas, that's when it happens if it's not in a deer blind.) He took it pretty well. (Luke handled it alright, too.) Later on, Katy asked, "What do dads have to do with making babies?" As I tried to weasel out, Luke piped up from the next room, "When you find out, you're gonna throw up."

Mike's year included airshows at the gulf coast & Dover, TDYs to Florida & Arizona, & cross-country weekends to Lake Charles, Reno, & Fort Worth for a fly-by at a TCU game. If he wasn't out of town, he was off riding one of his motorcycles or staying home while I tried to rival him on amount of time spent away. I garnered 2 extended "scrapbooking" retreats, 2 incredible female bonding/therapy weekends (one at a lakehouse, the other at a ranch) & 2 pretend-to-be-a-lawyer trips (one to New Orleans, the other to DC). I also went to more concerts than I thought I could afford either financially or physically. During one of Mike's extended trips, our microwave burned out so we couldn't have home-cooked meals till I got us a new one. When he's gone, our dog Buzz tries to be the alpha male & keep us fed. I found him at the back porch one night offering up a bloody headless rabbit carcass. What a thoughtful yet horrifying gift. Luke stepped up to toss it away after I duct-taped his arms with Wal-Mart bags.

My year was spent on a quest for the perfect purse, a cheap housekeeper & an effective anti-depressant. I settled for 2 out of 3. An infomercial suckered me into investing in an inversion table. It comes in handy when I hurt my back every time I set it up. I knew I had to cut back on flea marketing after I told Katy she needed a new bathing suit & she replied, "Preferably one that fits & hasn't been used." I impressed Mike with my financial savvy by selling the "inventory" from my storage unit when I realized the cost to store that junk far exceeded its value. My veterans' law practice has grown to include extra work from a DC-area lawfirm. I finally found someone desperate or crazy enough to pay me for serious writing. Luke introduced me to his class with this clever jab: "This is my mom. She works a lot." The extra income has allowed us to upgrade to a cordless phone, name-brand macaroni & cheese, & 2-ply toilet paper. I can also maintain my addiction with the answered prayer of a Starbucks right here in Mayberry.

In April, I turned thirty-eleven. When I told my mom I was considering Botox, she asked, "Ever thought about just not frowning?" I'll at least need a shorter haircut soon to avoid being one of those women who look young from the back. I was buoyed briefly to discover that a former client referred to me as "foxy" on a veterans’ website. Mike was quick to remind me that anyone who uses the word "foxy" was our age in the '70's. I was brought back to reality again when my plane landed after a 4-day trip & I got this text message: "milk bread eggs luv u." You know you're old when the only texts you get are grocery lists. At least we're texting. Even though Mike's turning 44 this month & had to read the last Harry Potter book with his new reading glasses, he continues to age more obliviously than I do. If he weren't so proud of his garden, he might pass for 38. He joined the church softball team & only hurt himself once. Luke said we could find him on the field easily because he'd be the one "jogging" around the bases.

In August, we rented an RV for a trip to Colorado. Unbeknownst to us, its toilet was stuck on flush for the first 100 miles, so we drained the water tank before we even left south Texas. Then, as Mike sped over a bumpy highway faster than the diapered astronaut, I had to clean up other people's DNA along with the gallon of milk that went flying out of the fridge. Later, Katy tried to open the motor home's medicine cabinet & the entire door came off in her hand. Luke complained, "What a rip-off!" Katy said, "Yeah. Literally." By the way, a moving RV is no place to apply mascara or shave your legs. Otherwise the trip was awesome.

In October, we marked 16 years of wedded ablyss on a trip to New York City with 2 other couples. The best part was Spamalot (the only musical any of us could tolerate). For our anniversary, Mike & I celebrated the fact that we get along a little better than Donald Trump & Rosie O'Donnell. And after a brief but unproductive revival of the dishwasher-loading controversy of 2001, I accepted his apparently irresistible urge to spend a ridiculous amount of money on pipes for The Harley & he promised to try just to bite his tongue & roll his eyes next time I buy something he deems equally outrageously expensive & absolutely unnecessary.

Resolutions: Katy hopes to keep her Webkinz alive, get an iPhone & overcome what she calls her "lacktoast" intolerance. Luke will continue to pretend he doesn't like girls, try to stop pulling legs off daddy longlegs spiders (sure, it's funny, but we don't want PETA to catch wind of it) & master determining wearability of questionably clean clothing by smelling it. Mike hopes to see Led Zeppelin if they tour, ride both bikes more, play at least one song on his guitar & decide which presidential candidate to vote for. I'll decide which one to vote against, try to understand the attraction of Dancing with the Stars & not panic when I lose my thesaurus.

In 2008, Mike will be pimpin' his new barn with central air & heat, a fridge, satellite TV & a disco ball while I try to make as much money as real lawyers do. I'll also try to keep my blog offensively sensitive yet thoughtfully vulgar. For past issues & more high-quality low-brow musings, behold http://www.exquisitedrivel.blogspot.com/. Mike & I will enjoy the new free cell phones we're getting each other for Christmas & sadly, Luke & Katy will spend the year entertaining themselves with their new Amish-made toys.

Thanks to any of you who had the curiosity, courtesy, or courage to read this to the end. Remember that intangible gifts last far longer than anything man-made & bad stuff happens to remind us to be grateful daily for the good. We wish you all a peaceful, joyful Christmas & a New Year full of more laughter than tears, unless they are tears of laughter, in which case savor every one.

Love,
The Mitchells -- Jill, Mike, Luke & Katy