A Tale of Two Siblings

My parents were always amazed at how different their three children were. We still question my sister's paternity, but then she is quick to remind us that she has the upper thighs of our maternal grandmother's side of the family. Bless her heart. Besides, I don't think thigh size is necessarily genetic. Big bones, maybe.

Growing up, Kelly and I could not be more different. I was the wild child, and as the oldest, I got away with everything (well, a lot) since my parents had no idea what I was getting into. (It blows my mind to think that when I was 16, my parents were a little younger than I am now. Terrifying, really.) Kelly was the popular one. I became known as Kelly's big sister. As she progressed through high school, she went from homecoming duchess to princess to queen. She is three years younger. I'm sure my teachers would dread getting Jill's little sister in their classes, but then would have been pleasantly surprised. I was more like the Ally Sheedy character (without the dandruff) in The Breakfast Club while Kelly was Molly Ringwald. Kelly and I fought mercilessly for years. Mostly about the phone. We had those mod, donut-shaped, coil-corded phones, just heavy enough to throw and leave a good size hole in the sheetrock, with receivers perfect for a good headlock/forehead pounding or punch in the eye. There was all kinds of hair pulling, biting, spitting, door slamming, and clothes stealing. All taking place as I cowered in a corner. She was mean. All I ever did to her was try to steal her boyfriends. Even when we sold that house a couple of years ago, a splintered hole remained in the door of our shared bathroom. I think I was the one who kicked it in. She was probably taking too long in the shower, and I needed to get in there to check on my hydroponic pot plants. We often laughed at that hole later, along with all the boys' names we had carved into the door's latex-painted trim. Goood times.

We didn't really become friends until we both had husbands and kids. Finally we had similar things to commiserate about. We also discovered the shared blissful joy of junk shopping. I think I have my flea market addiction fairly well under control, but she is wheels-off insane. I pity the grandchildren who will be stuck cleaning out her garage. We often talk about teaming up to write a decorating book that encourages novice home decorators to avoid objects of mass production.

Even though we don't look alike, there is no question that Kelly and I are sisters when you hear us laugh. We have the exact same rhythm to the breaths and the ha-ha-ha's. When we laugh together, we have to laugh again at how we are perfectly synchronized. Or maybe one echoes the other, depending on who was a little bit behind on their latest margarita swallow.

My brother and I seem to be a little more alike, seeing as how he's a philosopher and I fancy myself a connoisseur of logic, law, literature, and apparently alliteration. He studies consciousness; I work on my conscience. He's an intellectual academic; I'm an ineffectual apathetic. He's a member of Mensa; I can spell Mensa.

But this story is really about the vast differences (not vas deferens) between Kelly and Kenny, well beyond the minor variations in their names.

Kenny is hosting a "Self-Awareness Workshop" next week in Hico. Several brilliant and scholarly minds from around the world will converge on this tiny podunk town to discuss the theory of consciousness. Picture Einstein meets Green Acres, Stephen Hawking vs. The Beverly Hillbillies, or Marilyn vos Savant in any Will Ferrell movie. That town will have more brain cells in it than the number of Brangelina's children multiplied exponentially by Amy Winehouse's blood heroin content.

So here's a brief synopsis of what Kenny's workshop will cover (these are quotes lifted directly from his brochure):

Self-Awareness Workshop

[P]henomenology of self-awareness, its computational and neurobiological modeling, the philosophical problems surrounding it, and its role in the formulation of a general theory of consciousness with particular emphasis on formulating ways of empirically testing the self-awareness that all consciousness involves some form of self-awareness.

[T]he computational, functional, and mathematical modeling of self-representing systems; various forms of incompleteness and computational irreducibility and their relation to the phenomenology of cognition, to self-knowledge, and to the opacity of sensory qualities; and virtualization (the computational process whereby the complexity of the "hardware" is systematically hidden from the "user" through the construction of virtual interfaces) as a possible paradigm for understanding the relationship between consciousness, the subject, sensory qualities, and the brain.

After agreeing on the theme, participants will be invited by the chair to propose views about the theme in the form of succinct statements. The statements will be listed and briefly reviewed for their salient logical and probabilistic connections. . . .

Kelly and I agreed that our reaction to that was exactly the same as the Geico caveman's in the commercial where he's on a news show: "Yeah, I have a response. ... Uh, What?" (here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zssp5RlxnM&feature=related)

Seeing as how Kelly is more of a shopper and decorator than a writer or speller, much less blogger, I'm the gatekeeper of her humor. I'm reluctant to post her reply here because sometimes she is so much funnier than I could ever be. Damn funny. I mean laugh till-you-cry, pee yourself funny. But this was just too good not to share with my devoted readers. I'm sure it will improve your day, if not your life. And we sincerely hope it will give you pause to reflect on the aesthetics of your dwelling and perhaps prompt you to incorporate some American Feng Shui by replacing all fake plants with real ones, as a start.

Kelly's E-Mailed Response to Kenny (a direct quote, with only some participants' names redacted to protect their reputations):

Cannot help but notice that I was NOT listed as a participant.

I thought I could bring some of my decorating books and present a lecture, complete with a PowerPoint, on how self-awareness is expressed through decorating your environment. Some of the self-representing systems I would touch on, but not limit myself to are as follows:

* Creative use of fabrics & textiles

* Exploring the limits of self-expression with a can of Mod Podge

* Using an array of differing textures to promote sensory awareness through touch & sight

* Function and aesthetics: the ability to forgo function when aesthetics is being compromised

* The computational process of hiding the - what I like to call "necessary evils" of a dwelling – i.e., light switches, door bell speakers, thermostat boxes, trash cans and construction and design flaws. The "hardware," if you will, is hidden from the "user" by creative placement of home decorative items. Leaving us with the question, is one capable of learning this application of virtual interfacing in the realm of interior design, or is it inherently born in the consciousness?

* Various forms of in-completion in the mind and rooms of those who are handicapped in creativity and decorating in all of its manifestations

* How to gain a self-representing system through a collection of material objects that stimulate cognitive and sensory qualities upon entering a dwelling

* Being conscious of the role of accessories in a dwelling and their role in inspiring self awareness - with that said, also being aware of the role that poor choices in home interior design and decorating play in sucking the very life OUT of the dwellers and their visitors

* The philosophic problems created by surrounding oneself with mass-produced, resin material, and big box home store accessories lacking in quality, character, and design

* I would like to close the PowerPoint with a field trip to a local flea market. This would (in theory) allow the participants to apply their newfound knowledge by selecting discarded items and giving them new life in their respective dwellings. Hence, allowing the participants to experience self-awareness through creativity and application of decoration.

I was thinking you could slip me in (so to speak) somewhere between [L]'s and [U]'s lectures. Or maybe my material would be a better fit (so to speak, again) with [N]'s lecture material. My lecture could serve as a trailer - "Persons, Shelves, and the Decorative Brain."

Watch, Kelly will end up on Comedy Central while I remain all pasty and pathetic flagellating myself for yet another poor life choice.