If Someone Relies on Me for Good Advice, They're Worse off Than I am

I have this friend who asked me if there was word to describe wondering what you did to piss someone off. I told her I wish there were a word for the sick feeling that you must have done something to damage a personal or professional relationship and you have no idea what it was, you are too afraid to ask, and maybe you're just a paranoid idiot. This friend, who doesn't seem to care what other people think, and probably goes too far with ostensibly good-natured insults for the sake of a laugh, is a wimp. She can come across as abrasive and bitchy. Part of that is just her, but I think most of it is her defense mechanism of choice. Contrary to what you might imagine, she has never been a confrontational person. She may want to avoid conflict at any cost, but she always speaks her mind—unless doing so would bring conflict, of course. She doesn't thrive on drama. She's not a boat-rocker or what I like to call a "turd-stirrer." She doesn't usually have the time, energy, or inclination to make mountains out of molehills. She likes to keep everybody happy and laughing. Now, don't get me wrong. She's not a people-pleaser. She's not even a people person. She is even quite comfortable to believe that if someone doesn't "get" her or like her, that's their loss and their problem.

Her concern is with those who at one time did seem to like her (or at least not dislike her) and now for reasons she may never know, seem to have written her off. Being written off per se doesn't bother her quite as much as being written off without explanation. The lack of an explanation means either (1) the (potentially) former friends / colleagues / acquaintances are also nonconfrontational wimps like she is, or (2) they are so unhappy with her for whatever it was that they have decided she should already know what she did and/or she therefore does not deserve an explanation, much less the effort it would take to provide one. Or maybe they do care enough about her feelings to spare her whatever discomfort they think they might be powerful enough to inflict.

Is she more worried about other people's feelings or her own reputation? Is her ego so fragile? (Apparently.) Her fear so irrational? (Who knows?) She doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve. She carries pieces of it in her purse along with crumpled receipts, stray coins, and her identity. She holds parts of it on the tip of her tongue with the words she cannot find. Some of the lost pieces left room for others to grow safely in her rib cage. Sometimes she doesn't show her heart when she should. Fear-frozen. Other times she shows it when she shouldn't. It leaks out of her eyes or spills from her mouth or slips through her fingers. She cares too much and works too hard at pretending that she doesn't.

I told my sensitive friend I knew how she felt. I was once written off by a close girlfriend. (This sort of thing had never happened to me before. I don't lose friends. If anything, I have more than I can keep up with. Is this what happens when the popular cheerleader finds out one of the band geeks doesn't envy her? She thinks, "there goes one of my votes for Homecoming Queen.") One day, you're baring your soul to someone and they're sharing their deepest secrets, the next, your son allegedly breaks her daughter's expensive new toy and you don't offer to replace it. Her frequent contacts abruptly stopped. She never gave me any explanation, and I was too afraid to ask—not wanting to stir up trouble, you know. But at least with her I had a good clue. I saw her brother's obituary in the paper several months later. I wanted to contact her, but I let fear and pride stop me. She herself could have dropped off the face of the earth too by now for all I know.

Seems odd to me how someone could get so close and then just be gone. Sort of like the last few girls on The Bachelor. Those poor chicks fall in love with this dude (or so they feel at the time) then, before you can say, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass!" he leaves them without a rose and they never see the douchebag again. Even good riddance makes a stupid heart ache. (My use of the word douchebag is a reference to the surprisingly bleeped-out name the third-runner-up bachelorette called this latest bachelor, plus I think it's a new addition to my favorite words list.) This reminds me, I think the "most dramatic final rose ceremony ever" is coming on tonight. Can't wait to fast-forward through it to see the last loser cry in the limo. There goes my Schadenfreude.

Too bad the sources of my friend's angst (there's a close description for her) never read this garbage or even know it exists--maybe that's a good thing, come to think of it. I told my friend that at least the rejection she's getting doesn't include having her heart broken like those poor girls on the show. I reminded my friend that she sucks at staying in touch, too. I told her to stop taking the silence so personally. I told her she's a paranoid idiot and maybe it's just an odd coincidence that this certain handful of random people has been unable to return her calls or e-mails. She knows her phone works. She knows her e-mail works. Every disgruntled veteran in the state of Texas has been able to get through.

She'll be fine. She has plenty of other friends she hasn't alienated yet.