School of Rock, Cont'd

The training is paying off. Katy was able to name that band on her own with no prompting yesterday when a song I don't think she had ever heard before came on the radio. It was either Immigrant Song or Dazed and Confused. Can't remember which. From her third-row perch in my Yukon, she yelled, "Mama, that sounds like Led Zeppelin!" Mike would've been so proud. A couple of weeks ago, the kids were singing along with You Shook Me All Night Long. Luke said, "This is AC/DC." Katy responded with, "Yeah. They also sing Highway to Hell." (Is this child abuse? Is someone going to report me?) Mike will also be proud to know that Katy is starting to pick up the differences between the original Van Halen and the later "Van Hagar." Now, of course, Van Halen is part of this vast rock band conspiracy to make everyone my age feel like time travel is not impossible. Who ever dreamed that David Lee Roth would be back? The end is near, folks.

I need to progress with my School of Rock and start training the kids on 90s grunge. Their education will not be complete without a working familiarity with Nirvana, Stone Temple Pilots, Soundgarden, and Pearl Jam, among many others. I'm thinking that pretty soon, Smells Like Teen Spirit will make my anthem list. Hell, let's go ahead and put it on there. As I've said before, I am the Chuck Norris of this little world. If anyone dares to question my poor judgment or baseless opinions, I can smite them before they see the light of day here. I hasten to add that I mean no disrespect to Mr. Norris by comparing myself to him or by using his name in the same paragraph with any words he may find objectionable. I understand that I am alive today (as we all are) only because Chuck Norris has not yet seen fit to dispatch me.

Some more anthems for the list: the Rolling Stones' Satisfaction, Lou Reed's Walk on the Wild Side, Steppenwolf's Born to be Wild, Eric Clapton's Layla, and how could I forget Manfred Mann's Earth Band's Blinded by the Light? Written by The Boss. This reminds me of another word to add: calliope. I almost suggested adding the word douche, but (1) in that song, the word is actually "deuce" even though it sounds like "douche" and even though I know better now, I still like to sing it with the word "douche" and (2) the word "douche" is already on our list. Speaking of The Boss, we can't have an anthem list without a Springsteen song on it. That song would of course be Born to Run. If you think it should be Born in the USA, you are not only dead wrong, but also an idiot.

I have added UB40's version of Red, Red Wine to my playlist. A song that was written by none other than our friend Neil Diamond. I posted this song for several reasons: I love UB40, I love red wine, and it reminds me of all the Neil Diamond music I was subjected to in my childhood. I'm not complaining, Mom, I'm just saying. I also included this version because it reminds me of the mix tape I played over and over on my Walkman as I milked a Eurail pass back in 1988. I miss the days of mix tapes. I made one called "Party Mix" with a lot of B-52s and Talking Heads on it. I made another one called "Mellow Mix" with a lot of Lionel Richie and Chicago on it. (I know. How gay was I, right?) Another mix tape I wore out was one that probably should have been called "Brooding Pathetic Pre-Goth Post-Teen Tortured Artist Mix." It was pretty much all Joy Division/New Order, Echo and the Bunnymen, and The Smiths. Ah, that Morrissey. We've heard that rock and rap music can inspire its listeners to commit homicide. I wonder how many suicides my onetime soulmate Morrissey presided over between the mid-80s and early 90s. Surely there are some stats on this.

Speaking of the 80s, here's a question for those of you in my demographic. How many times was the fake phone number you gave out 867-5309? How many of you guys actually tried to call that number?

Last summer, I went with a girlfriend to see Def Leppard, Foreigner, and Styx. I did not plan to go, mind you. There was an extra ticket so I took it. I am generally against supporting these has-been bands that really should have left well enough alone. (By the way, I am also generally against attending wedding showers, baby showers, children's birthday parties, and any party where I have to endure a product presentation followed by an order form and its attendant inner-struggle stomach-upset with a buyer's-remorse chaser.) I did enjoy the concert even though I was disconcerted by the inordinate amount of old people in attendance. I think I even saw an oxygen tank and a walker. My friend and I looked at each other and said, "Just shoot me. Shoot me now." We eased our discomfort considerably by investing in some $12 margaritas. And, as I am wont to do, especially in times of crisis, I took advantage of a shopportunity and shelled out $38 each on 3 concert shirts. I couldn't resist a baby doll Def Leppard shirt with their trademark Union Jack and the words Love Bites emblazoned across it. And I certainly could not pass up the cute little scoop neck Foreigner shirt tastefully adorned with the clever words, Dirty White Girl. And of course I had to get a Styx shirt for Mike. It was a commemorative and surely limited edition tribute to the 30th anniversary of The Grand Illusion (the back of the shirt displays "1977 – 2007" -- kind of a subtle way to say, "Yep, I'm old, but look how cool I am in this $38 concert shirt that I can afford now that I have a mortgage and a credit card with tons of air miles and great cash-back rewards"). There's just something wrong when the price of the T-shirt today is double the cost of the concert tickets you paid for back when these bands were actually popular.

Isn't a regular midlife crisis enough without having to deal with the time-warp effect that comes from all these bands from our past going on tour again? I don't even have enough room here to list them all. In addition to the three bands I saw last summer, we have Journey, Heart, Cheap Trick, Bad Company, and even -- get this -- New Kids on the Block? I'm sorry but they are neither new nor are they kids anymore. And I venture to guess that they are no longer on the block, either. Even the Backstreet Boys have already outgrown their youthful tag, and they were popular just within the last decade. I think.

This reminds me. Did anyone happen to catch the Backstreet Boys interacting with Trace Adkins on The Celebrity Apprentice this past season? Here I go confessing yet another of my guilty pleasures. Yes, I watched every stinking episode with relish. I could tell you all about it, but why when you can look at these 3 different clips on YouTube (I gave each clip my own little name):
"wheatgrass" --http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4DyA0BSvyk,
"colon" --http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHma4_rEO-w,
"nail polish" --http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBz5jDSljvs.
I have never been a huge country music fan, but the perspective Trace Adkins provides is absolutely priceless and his deadpan delivery is hysterical. Do yourself a favor and check these out sometime. I won't tell anyone. If you don't at least get a smile out of it, you not only have no sense of humor, but I'd be willing to bet that you are a closet Backstreet Boys fan. Speaking of Celebrity Apprentice, a Kiss song came on the car radio the other day. I think it was Rock & Roll All Night or maybe their only other top-40 hit the name of which escapes me. I told the kids, "This is a band called Kiss. They painted their faces black and white and wore outrageous costumes with gigantic platform boots. They were kind of a big deal in the late 70s." Then my genius daughter helpfully added, "And Gene Simmons was the lead singer. He was on Celebrity Apprentice. He has a really long tongue." She gleaned this information on her own somehow. She never ceases to impress me with her growing cache of cultural literacy.

Anyway, back to what I was talking about before the Backstreet Boys threw me off. Are these has-been bands taunting us? Trying to addle our aging minds with Back to the Future-style McFly flashbacks? I don't think our parents had to deal with this phenomenon in the 70s. It wasn't like Buddy Holly or Richie Valens or the Big Bopper were still around to go on tour. (Sorry, bad joke.) A bloated Elvis would soon meet an embarrassing death, and The Beatles had long since burned out thanks to Yoko. Probably the closest thing to a flashback our parents had to deal with was Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley, and the movie Grease, which I'm sure did a good bit of damage.

Now on to other music-related drivel.

I have finally added some Sarah McLachlan to my theme song list. She is definitely in my top-five desert-island musical artists--one of the many Canadian artists I adore, like Barenaked Ladies. Those Canucks, as mild-mannered as they come across, are some seriously artistic bastards. I had a hard time deciding which song of hers to add because I love everything that comes out of her mouth. I chose Stupid mainly because I think I am pretty stupid sometimes. As smart as my employers or colleagues or clients or friends may think I am, I still think I'm a blithering idiot who can barely wipe herself. This is part of what I often refer to as my enigmatic mystique.

(Speaking of my playlist, you probably won't notice, but just in case you did, because I did and I tend to get anal, I Wish I Was a Punk Rocker is on there twice. That's because one of them won't play and I can't figure out how to delete it. My apologies to the vast majority of my readers who could not care less about this heinous flaw.)

Now that I got all that out of the way, I want to make sure you know that I am not raising a couple of heretics. In addition to training the kids on the finer points of American rock and pop music, we are also filling their impressionable minds with a lot of good Texas music and Christian music, too. I have added Pat Green's Poetry also. It's a song written by one of our favorite Texas singer-songwriters, Walt Wilkins. I have to share some of the lyrics here:

Some things I've done make my conscience burn,
My very spine shudder and squirm
I only hope that I've learned from my sins.
I heard a voice when I was thirteen
Got baptized and washed up clean.
The world has a way if you know what I mean
Of scuffing you up again, and again

I can't explain a blessed thing,
Not a falling star or a feathered wing,
How a man in chains has the strength to sing (I'll Fly Away)

Just one thing is clear to me,
There's always more than what appears to be
When the light's just right I swear I see,
Man, it's poetry

Now somebody made everything,
From the soul inside out to Saturn's rings
How my baby smiles and how Ray Charles sings,
Of course we were created
The clouds make rain, the ocean makes sand,
The earth breathes fire and lava makes land
Now that took a mighty hand,
and a wild imagination

The dreams I dreamed came back tenfold,
The friends I have to the woman I hold
I look down I'm on a street of gold,
After all the mud along the way
Sometimes the big old mystery
just leans right in on me,
Says that I am home and I am free
And I'll take that any day, any day.

I'll have to do a whole 'nother post sometime about Texas music because it is a big part of our world here in this Republic. Texas Monthly recently came out with an issue celebrating Willie Nelson's 70th birthday. That man is a national hero in these parts. When he dies, you know the flags will hang out at half-staff for at least a month.

The kids are also well-versed in good Christian "rock." I turned Katy on to Jennifer Knapp a long time ago. She has been out of the scene for a while now and I wish she would come back. She caught a lot of flak for singing at the House of Blues and at Lilith Fair, which is where I discovered her. Gee, God forbid a Christian artist reach out to those who might actually benefit from her message. Shouldn't she just preach to the choir? Don't get me started on that. I want to keep this a friendly place.

My sister and I went to Sarah McLachlan's Lilith Fair (a real Woman-Power lollapalooza) in Dallas way back in 1999. I was a good 8 months or more pregnant with Katy then. The place was crawling with lesbians. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.--That's a Seinfeld reference for those of you who didn't catch it.) It was quite the flannel-fest, I must say. Anyway, Kelly and I looked like an expectant couple. Now, I don't want to give the impression that I think gay people are more sinful than anyone else and that they just need Jesus to turn them into heteros. That does not happen. I believe that God made homosexuals and that she loves them as much as she loves everyone else. (I use she just to irritate anyone who has the nerve to think God is a male with a penis. Not that I think God is a female with a vagina. God is God. He is not a white man who speaks only English. Wrap your little mind around that.) I just believe that a real "Christian" is not judgmental and shows God's love and mercy and grace to anyone who needs it. Like washing a whore's feet, for instance. I know I could use a good pedicure, how about you? Like hanging out with the lepers or evil tax collectors. Get your hands dirty, folks. Or just stick with your Joel Osteen prosperity gospel and look down your nose on those who need God most while you count your money and praise God for your new Bentley. As y'all say, What Would Jesus Do? I say What Would Willie Do? Speaking of that, I have added that song too. Texas music at its best. Give it a listen. You'll be a better person after you hear it.

Sorry I pulled out my soapbox there. I usually keep it well-hidden. If you don't agree with me, you are free to kiss my sinful white ass.

The kids also love Third Day, Casting Crowns, Audio Adrenaline, David Crowder Band, Jeremy Camp, and a lot of others. In fact, last year, I took Katy to see Audio Adrenaline and Mercy Me, then I took her to see Casting Crowns. She had a blast. I did, too. Casting Crowns brought me to my knees. I saw Third Day twice last year. The second time, we went as a family around Christmas. Jars of Clay opened. I thought Jars of Clay sucked, but Third Day was fantastic.

Can I just mention here how amazed I was that American Idol had the 8 finalists singing Shout to the Lord on the Idol Gives Back show? Then David Cook sang a Switchfoot song when he got to choose his own music? And the uptight holier-than-thous think there's nothing worthwhile on network TV? Too busy criticizing things they don't know about to look for something positive? There is still a lot of good out there. It's all about opening your eyes and opening your mind and opening your heart. And shutting your damn mouth. But that's just one heathen's opinion.

All this to say, I like to think we are giving our kids some balance. At least when it comes to music.

On to the next post to keep my teeming legions of fans on my good side. Do you have any idea what a burden it is to be me?