This morning I woke up 42. (Which means I have entered the 43rd year of my life.) I recently got this sweet sentiment in an email from my mom: "I can't believe you have gotten so old while I am still so young." When I sarcastically thanked her for that, she kindly replied (with a straight face), "You're welcome." I do hope I'll be as young as she is when I become that elderly.
Top Ten Things That Haven't Changed:
10. I still haven't found the perfect purse. (Don't let me get a fanny pack or start pushing an old grocery cart.)
9. I still have fake blonde hair. (My natural color could be gray now for all I know.)
8. I still don't drive a minivan. (Shoot me if I ever do.)
7. I'm still a hypochondriac. (Only now, the conditions I dream up could really happen.)
6. I'm still insecure. (But I've almost perfected the illusion of confidence.)
5. I still have the constant sciatic pain that started when I was 25. (Shouldn't I be used to it by now?)
4. I can still drink as much as I used to. (But instead of puking and going back for more, I just go to sleep.)
3. I still enjoy insulting others in a good-natured yet merciless way, wallowing in self-pity, and shoe shopping. (But I finally figured out that my fear that I've unintentionally hurt (albeit ultra-sensitive) people's feelings leads to feeling sorry for myself which ultimately lands me in a shoe store for comfort. That's the real reason I have so many shoes.)
2. I still wish everyone treated English grammar rules with more respect. (But now I know I can't save the world from such blasphemy.)
1. I still weigh the same as I did at 25. (An old, flabby 125 is still 125, dammit!)
Top Ten Things That Have Changed:
10. My gums. (My dentist says they are "receding." At least it's not my hairline.)
9. My bras. (Even an A-cup needs support.)
8. My forehead. (If only I could have spent less time frowning.)
7. I use more sunscreen. (Even though it's probably too late to matter.)
6. I'm smarter. (At least book-wise).
5. I'm more content. (Like a cow chewing its cud.)
4. I have a little more money. (Not that I spend it more wisely.)
3. I appreciate friends and family more. (Not that I express it enough.)
2. I have a better perspective. (We are grains of sand. We are milliseconds. We are blinks.)
1. I get to hear "Love you, mama" every day. (Who knew dirty diapers would lead to that?)
Now, I think I'll go celebrate by shaving my spider-veined (yet still shapely) legs and washing my (too long for my age) hair. Maybe I'll give myself the day off and go shopping for shoes.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Happy Birthday to Me
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TOP 10 THINGS I LOVE WHEN IT COMES TO JILL
10. our semester in Paris...20 years ago!
9. she taught me that you can be highly educated, yet still use “y’all” in a sentence
8. having to go to Texas to visit her- the best damn state in the whole world!
7. the secure feeling that comes from knowing that i speak French better
6. introducing me to such concepts as the two-step, Jerry Jeff Walker, Shiner Bock, Tony Lama ropers and Billy Bob’s- heady stuff for a yankee
5. her politics- always good for a laugh
4. her gracious assurances over the years that my superiority complex is in fact justified
3. getting to know Mike- he’s a warrior, he’s very smart (and therefore Republican), and he has much better taste in music than Jill
2. her acerbic wit, ruthless mockery and haughty condescension, and that’s just with the people she likes!
1. she’s older than me
you know i love you- HBD!
Thanks so much for your awesome list. My favorite is "acerbic wit, ruthless mockery and haughty condescension," --that is high praise to a jackass like me. What does it say about me that my superiority complex can attract so many hangers-on, so many wannabes, so many secretly envious admirers? I have been dearly blessed to have so many friends who love me in spite of or (especially) because of my keen and virtually unparalleled ability to show love the way Don Rickles does--with a jab.
TWENTY years ago??? Are you effin' essin' me, man? Who knew we would still be friends? Who knew that 20 years later our inflated egos would still be feeding on the foibles of others? Isn't it great to be better than everone else? And I'm sure you revel in the fact that your french is, always has been, and always will be better than mine. You hang on to that one.
Thanks for the hilarious and totally perfect card. I'm going to see if I can scan it and post the audio. No one could ever describe my circumstances better than Roseanne Roseannadanna.
by the way, one of the Top 10 that i scratched out, for fear of being banned from the blog, was "her passing resemblance to Ann Coulter, minus the great rack, of course"
;-)
And minus the adam's apple, man hands, and the obnoxious, inflammatory, and pointless diarrhea of the mouth. If I were a tranny, I'd get some big implants, too. Really, that's why she can get away with saying anything, because men are always just looking at her jugs and women can't take their eyes off the man-neck.
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